how do you forgive yourself?

they said the month of ramadan is a month of self-reflection, to see if you are a good person, and to decide how to make yourself better.

so in one of those self-reflecting afternoons i tried to think of things that i did that i have'nt asked for forgiveness yet, from the people i have wronged and from myself.

1. to jared, im sorry for bumping your head when you were a baby. even if i try to hurt myself or bump my head on the wall to compensate my clumsiness i still can't forgive myself. im sorry if i made you cry. im sorry if i didn't know how to take care of you before.

2. to francis, im sorry for being childish sometimes. well, i can't think of anything else because i usually talk to you when i did something ( or you talk to me super-immediately ).

3. to my mother, im sorry for not taking care of you. i am capable but i don't give you any priority and kept telling myself that you have a husband now who should be taking care of you, but i should also do that, as your daughter.

4. to my father, im sorry for ignoring you when you asked for my help. i should not have held a grudge for the things that had happened, and if i did, i should have been honest with you.

5. to my sister, im sorry if we didn't have enough time to bond when you were here. it was a hard year and most of the time you were the one who was helping me, and it should have been the other way around.

6. to yves, im sorry for lying to our lolo before when we were young about jojo falling and telling him it was your fault, when it was mine. the sight of the walis tingting scared me but the memory of it hitting you still hurts me until now.

7. to jojo, im sorry for not taking care of you better when you were young. you were the most unfortunate for the fact that our parents were not around while you were growing up, and i should have filled up for them.

(so far, i think i am a horrible person already for all these... :( )

8. to moss, im sorry for not telling you that i know your affair, pretending that i believe your stories, but i wanted you to tell me when you are ready, coz when you are, i won't judge you.

9. to ariane, im sorry for that time when you went to my house and i pretended to be somewhere else. no excuses here.

10. to dory, im sorry for being rude at you when you are at your most talkative. some days i just want to tell you to shut up. and im sorry for that.

there are some people that i want to ask forgiveness form, but that would be on another post. these people are the most important to me, and i want to turn over a new leaf...

in my defense, i am not that bad. i just made some mistakes. pretty horrible mistakes...


now, the part of forgiving myself....