Wednesday, August 12, 2009


(note: this is supposed to be a very sad post, so read it slowly)

you may have had them. you may have not.

for me, this is the only time that i cannot answer a question that has been bugging me for 93 days.

im here in bahrain. my son is in manila. the question is, where do i stay?

if i go home, i don't have enough money to start a business. i might find a job, and that's what i'll be for a long time. an employee. but i have my son with me, and every moment of his growing years ill be able to witness. i'll be able to hug him at night, comfort him when a small ant bites his toes, feed him jollibee burger and go to the parks on sundays.

if i stay here, even for two years more, ill be able to build a two-storey apartment and our house at the third floor. and that will be enough for an income, since francis will also have his sources. but two years...

if i bring jared here, i feel bad leaving him with a babysitter everyday. he is obviously happy in manila, where the people who look after him loves him and takes good care of him.

i have contemplated this a hundred times. it caused a subconscious depression that sometimes surfaces and sometimes doesn't. at times i have decided, obviously since im still here in bahrain, that this is for our future, this is for the best.

i guess my unanswerable question is simply not unanswerable. it is just too difficult to decide upon.

in the end, who would i want to sacrifice? i could stay here and be miserable, but can i risk leaving my son with a babysitter?

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