when friends become too busy

last night, we invited irish to pass by the office to 'accompany' me and maricel at american mission hospital for my check-up.

but it really was a kidnapping scheme, to get irish to come to our office with urgency.  coz maricel and i were actually planning to go to the mall.  we knew irish would bail at something that shallow, since her job is a full-time thing now.

its just that it has been along time since the three of us bonded, so we made up a story and told irish that it was important for me to have her there.

unfortunately, work was still the winning team.  can i imagine irish being so dedicated to her job to leave me with maricel?  it would be funny!

or maybe that moral support theory was not that convincing after all.

but it would also be the truth.  she has been so busy these days, and not unlike our previous ex-colleagues, she moved on and forgot...

maybe it is really so immature of me to force her to come here when she has to work.  it's not really like she was just being lazy or she wanted to hang out with different people now.

yeah, maybe i was being unfair.  but i also think that friends should make an effort to meet with old friends, especially those funny ones, because they're such good people to hang out with :P *selfish*

and speaking of prenatal check-ups, bambi is still not convinced that baby number 2 is on the way.  he has a lot of theories, like it's just cold, or maybe you drank a lot of coffee last month... and since i blew up my chance of knowing the results because of stupidly dropping the wiwi on the wrong place (where the results will show), i just have to wait until the 15th, exactly two weeks of delayed period before i decide to really go to the hospital, and not the mall.

for people who thought marriage was easy...

you are all in for a rude awakening.

ok, given that there would be moments when you wish time would stop, that life was so sweet and you can live forever in just one place with your better-half, that's because your just beginning.

im not saying that marriage isn't bliss, its just that i have come to realize that it takes a lot of work, and i mean it when i say that it will take a lot of effort to make your relationship work.

there were times when talking isn't the solution, because it leads to more fighting.  you don't understand each other even if you try to.  you will be asking yourself what's the point of staying, when everyday you just make each other mad.  and time will come when you would just want to take the easy way out, coz it seems so hard to continue.

but why do we stay?  why do we put ourselves at stake?  why are we willing to humiliate ourselves, why would we lay down everything for the one person who basically is just another person in this planet?

then you realize what problems our parents or our grandparents must have suffered in their own, just to get to the point where they are and still stay together.  what did they sacrifice?  what did they do to make it last?

i did not know that it would be so complicated to intertwine your life with another person.

appreciation is the key

while reading one of my bookmarked blogs, i came across these collection of thoughts and it made me realize what problems we all might have at a certain time seems petty compared to others.


maybe we should realize that some things might not be so important at all and some things should be.  it definitely opened my mind...






and i would like to share what i've read:

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio.   Originally published in The Plain Dealer on  28th May 2006.

 "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. (i don't know about this... -tin)

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do. 

35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don't ask, you don't get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

an epiphany

since my raise this contract renewal, bambi and i both decided to bring jared here.  after months and months of contemplating, i realized that, maybe it is not about the destination, it is about the journey, too.

cliche, i know.

i just thought, nobody knows what will happen in two years.  whatever, i just want to spend our time together, wherever we may be.

so it has been decided that we will just make it up to jared to at least go out once a week to any mall where there is an early learning centre so he could also enjoy going out since most of the time he'll just be indoors here.  and load him lots of toys, too, so he will not be bored.

finally, there is one night where i couldn't sleep not because i was crying, but because i was so excited for December to come.

and aside from that, my Visa credit limit has also been raised by around $300.

my lucky stars found me at last!

eyes on the goal

2 days to go and i have to finalize my decision if i will stay or not.

my sister said if only she's sure that we wont end up as a broken family then she'll vote for me to go home. yes, to be realistic, men really can't be left alone.

so to stop this confusion, i have printed these layouts i made since last year to emphasize the reason why i need to stay:

the first one is the ground floor, with a space for a car.  yes, kasama sa dream ang car, hehe!

obviously i will have some tenants in the ground and second floor, so kasama rin sila sa pangarap ko...

and the only floor that i added colors to is our house, on the third floor.  i placed a crib for a girl coz i sometimes wish the next one would be a boy, then our third will be a girl.

and of course it wouldn't be a complete manila house if it doesn't have a rooftop right? so that's on the 4th floor.



i am planning to save for this during my last two years here in bahrain.  hopefully when jared is 3 years old we can settle in.

hurry up 2 years!!!

30 minutes

i woke up at 7:41 am.

and reached the office at 8:12.

who could top that?!?

i can't believe it either! i did take a shower, hello!?!  and managed everything i usually do in the morning except eat.

as i always say, if im late, then im late.  better to do everything i need to do, then...

anyways it's just a blessing that my office is walking distance.


so, as its getting colder and colder, i am getting happier becoz it means december is getting nearer!

my fear right now is what if i liked staying in manila?  when i saw jared in carmen's place i almost wanted to go home.

but the reason that hit me is that if i stay, i could be able to have a better home, and i would be able to stay home for a while.  and i definitely would like to stay home with jared for a while.  he'd be three at that time, so i would also be able to buy him good toys.

my superior (we call him 'the other one'), as he's not really my boss so we'll call him my superior to be more appropriate, asked me how can i do it.  he has a newborn baby, too and he said just staying in the office makes him miss his baby, so how much more me?

i've been asked that question, by others and by myself, so it was as simple at it was as hurtful: it's either his happiness or mine, so it's not really a choice at all.

my sister disagrees.

finally

at last, this week's over.  i never thought a week could last that long.

my assistant is proving herself very useful, aside from preparing the backgrounds to my artworks, she is also doing the time-consuming album for the chocolate shop.  i have never been this relieved even though i had a lot of pending jobs.  i think ill hire her permanently.

maricel was suppose to come back from india today.  i hope she has lots of things to give me :) and i hope she won't be bothered by the mess i left at her table.

i am still contemplating about my next contract.  i know i cannot leave bambi here alone, but the temptation of philippine sunshine just won't let me off.  i keep thinking about it.

if i am walking to work at 4 i'd be thinking 'i'd rather walk with jared in the court in the afternoons'...

if im staring at the sky at 8pm id be thinking of manila nights full of stars and excitement...


i am still so confused.  if only i'd find a way to make another two years here more bearable.

jared learns to walk

this morning, friday, the only day-off that i have where i can usually sleep till noon, we woke up early at 8 to catch bambi's mother in ym. it was worth it.

jared was noisy by the time they called us, and he is fluently saying "ma-mah" now. my inlaws are so attached to him, and why wouldn't they? jared wakes them up with a kiss, and longs for their presence everytime they pass by. he is so malambing, that's why i know it would be so hard on them by the time we take jared back...

they said jared is already starting to tread 2-3 steps, and he will hate you if you try to assist him by his left, it should be his right hand. he wakes up at 5am, calls his grandmother mama and kisses her, then looks for his grandfather to start their early morning walks.

mama meling said it feels like a long time but when you think of it, he has only stayed there for 3 months. i totally agree with her. sadly, for me it feels like a year. at a time when he's developing and learning new things, i am not there.

it is so ironic to think that i have spent countless times training a baby to walk in sims 2 and 3. to the point where i have perfected it with more than 10 kids, and my own son is currently learning to walk without me. it hurts me so much, and i cry about it every single night.

i am always contemplating about what's more important. although i wanted a good future for us, i also wanted to be there for him. lmra, the agency that approves family visas here rejected our application again, saying that i shouldn't be working for a family visa to be approved. how unfair. i know a lot of families here with more than 4 kids.

i am desperate to find out what i really want. if i can't bring jared here, would i be willing to give up my stable job to go home? or should i stay for 2 years and save up first for the future? i really do not want to bring up my child without enough money. wouldn't it break your heart if you cant provide your kid with things that they need? that scares me the most. it's why im still here.

but come november, when my contract ends, for sure ill be standing on a crossroad once more.

God, please let me know which one to choose...

introspects...

today was a milder version of the usual hot and humid august. usual jam-packed morning since we have to squeeze our work into six hours each day... sometimes only four hours for me if i have to go to my boss' new chocolate shop. stay there until 5 or 6. realization no. 1: distraction freezes depression

i tasted that piece of heaven called chocolate cheesecake jam again. this time being caught, hehe... i told her i was thinking of showing the middle part (where i bit) to show what's inside the chocolate when i make the brochures. no more arguments there, she thought i was officially working ^_^. realization no. 2: murphy's law is always in action


so these past few days i've been having nightmares that wakes me up in the middle of the night and squeeze myself into my husband's arms. but i usually forget them in the morning. realization no. 3: fear subsides when you are hugged

i also miss jared most these days. sometimes too emotional it's become oa. i don't want to have moss' aura of constant depression, as in everyday. comfort her today, tomorrow she's still the same. but sometimes i realize i've become like that to bambi, and he has given up the reassurances and the comforting. maybe moss is contagious...

i don't understand why she repeatedly goes back to the part of her that hurts. and i don't like if i will someday be like that. if she is contagious, then i better stay away, a little each day. realization no. 3: you could be influenced by depressed friends


look at my current mood. i found punkmoods again. how touching to have a drawing of how you are feeling on a certain day...

how do you forgive yourself?

they said the month of ramadan is a month of self-reflection, to see if you are a good person, and to decide how to make yourself better.

so in one of those self-reflecting afternoons i tried to think of things that i did that i have'nt asked for forgiveness yet, from the people i have wronged and from myself.

1. to jared, im sorry for bumping your head when you were a baby. even if i try to hurt myself or bump my head on the wall to compensate my clumsiness i still can't forgive myself. im sorry if i made you cry. im sorry if i didn't know how to take care of you before.

2. to francis, im sorry for being childish sometimes. well, i can't think of anything else because i usually talk to you when i did something ( or you talk to me super-immediately ).

3. to my mother, im sorry for not taking care of you. i am capable but i don't give you any priority and kept telling myself that you have a husband now who should be taking care of you, but i should also do that, as your daughter.

4. to my father, im sorry for ignoring you when you asked for my help. i should not have held a grudge for the things that had happened, and if i did, i should have been honest with you.

5. to my sister, im sorry if we didn't have enough time to bond when you were here. it was a hard year and most of the time you were the one who was helping me, and it should have been the other way around.

6. to yves, im sorry for lying to our lolo before when we were young about jojo falling and telling him it was your fault, when it was mine. the sight of the walis tingting scared me but the memory of it hitting you still hurts me until now.

7. to jojo, im sorry for not taking care of you better when you were young. you were the most unfortunate for the fact that our parents were not around while you were growing up, and i should have filled up for them.

(so far, i think i am a horrible person already for all these... :( )

8. to moss, im sorry for not telling you that i know your affair, pretending that i believe your stories, but i wanted you to tell me when you are ready, coz when you are, i won't judge you.

9. to ariane, im sorry for that time when you went to my house and i pretended to be somewhere else. no excuses here.

10. to dory, im sorry for being rude at you when you are at your most talkative. some days i just want to tell you to shut up. and im sorry for that.

there are some people that i want to ask forgiveness form, but that would be on another post. these people are the most important to me, and i want to turn over a new leaf...

in my defense, i am not that bad. i just made some mistakes. pretty horrible mistakes...


now, the part of forgiving myself....

crossroads...

(note: this is supposed to be a very sad post, so read it slowly)


you may have had them. you may have not.

for me, this is the only time that i cannot answer a question that has been bugging me for 93 days.

im here in bahrain. my son is in manila. the question is, where do i stay?

if i go home, i don't have enough money to start a business. i might find a job, and that's what i'll be for a long time. an employee. but i have my son with me, and every moment of his growing years ill be able to witness. i'll be able to hug him at night, comfort him when a small ant bites his toes, feed him jollibee burger and go to the parks on sundays.

if i stay here, even for two years more, ill be able to build a two-storey apartment and our house at the third floor. and that will be enough for an income, since francis will also have his sources. but two years...

if i bring jared here, i feel bad leaving him with a babysitter everyday. he is obviously happy in manila, where the people who look after him loves him and takes good care of him.



i have contemplated this a hundred times. it caused a subconscious depression that sometimes surfaces and sometimes doesn't. at times i have decided, obviously since im still here in bahrain, that this is for our future, this is for the best.

i guess my unanswerable question is simply not unanswerable. it is just too difficult to decide upon.



in the end, who would i want to sacrifice? i could stay here and be miserable, but can i risk leaving my son with a babysitter?

jared's 1st birthday. 3 days more before my hysterical overacting...

his first birthday and we're not there... wahhhhh!  it is so depressing...



overacting aside, how early can you remember your birthday? i can only remember it when i was in gradeschool.

grade 1 - i ate spaghetti at school.

grade 2 - i wasn't at school. i had chicken pox and even though i wasn't contagious anymore i still didn't come back after 3 months hihi!

grade 3 - i was in guimaras, and i had a broken elbow. imagine me going to school with a bandage.

grade 4 - i think i had a terrible headache and just stayed in bed. saddest ever...

grade 5 - there was a storm. we went to school to check if we were allowed to go, coz i didn't want to spend it at home. i don't have parents like you...

i slipped at school, wet my skirt and it turns out the classes were suspended.

grade 6 - my mother came home from hongkong and we had a big celebration. i was the star! it was weird and i didn't know how to handle it so i tried to be low-profile...

high school birthdays weren't much remembered too... except for this one time when we were practicing for choir practice and it was almost over when pastor told the band "ok..." and we were ready to sing our song when they all sang "happy birthday".

i almost cried.


thinking back, i realized it wasn't normal what i had for my birthdays. weren't your parents suppose to at least prepare something and make you feel special especially if you're still a child and birthday were magical days when your wishes comes true?

im overacting again...